May/Mae is going to be OK

It's been a while since my last post. I have been trying hard to follow my own advice and slow down and enjoy the ride. I have indeed. We are two weeks away from graduation and my 40th birthday. I can't believe it! I am feeling better than ever, (thanks to Dr. Johnson and his total health approach), and I can honestly say I have some hope that I will feel good again! I am going to be OK. I just goes to show, once again, that something you've viewed as a catastrophe can end up being the biggest blessing. I'll share some other thoughts (my story) on this in another post.

I had a WONDERFUL Mother's Day!!! Weird I know. I think the key this year was allowing myself to feel worthy of love and appreciation. I had to give myself a "talking to" a few times during the week, but it paid off. I was OK. It was a lovely day. I have an amazing husband, who went out of his way to help me feel loved and appreciated, and amazing children who gave me the best gift I could ever want. They all made handmade gifts for me that incorporated their feelings of love and appreciation for me. I love them so much! I am blessed.

This month has been OK as far as grief and depression go. I think I might even dare say that I am close to being healthy and well adjusted (most of the time). Paul is out of town this week, and I am crazy busy, so I think that is helping me keep my mind off negative things. Ashley Mae's birthday is on Sunday, and for the first time I don't have that horrible feeling of fear and dread. I am a little sad, and I think I might cry on her birthday, (something I have never done since she the day she was born) but it will be OK. It will be good.

I am dreading turning 40 for some reason. I don't know why. Something to do I guess. I have to be neurotic about something. Nothing I can do about it, so bring it on. It was always funny when it was someone Else's 40th birthday.....not so funny now. Im sure it will be OK. There is a bright spot, I got a new puppy for my birthday! Maximus is a teacup Yorkie and he is super cute!! We call him Babydog mostly, but Max was a good "M" name to match the girl dogs. (Meeko and Maggie) He is 14 weeks old and currently about 2&1/2 pounds.

Jake is planning on going away to College in the Fall. He is going to Snow College. It's funny, because Paul and I met and fell in love at Snow just over 20 years ago. We have taken yearly family trips to Sanpete County for most of the Kid's lives, and we have always teased Jake that he HAD TO go to college at Snow. And, he always said NO WAY. Imagine my surprise when he came home one day and announced that he'd decided to go to Snow. I'm pretty sure that there was girl influence involved, but I guess that's OK. I have mixed emotions about it, but I hope he has the time of his life. It was for me. I've had to give myself a lot of "talking to's" about this situation as well. But, I'm starting to feel like it will be OK. I love you Jake, So much.

My girls growing up too. They both are smart, kind, beautiful and fun! Hannah will be going into Jr High next year (6th grade) and McKenzie will be a freshman. I am so blessed to have wonderful, loving daughters! We have a lot of fun times ahead of us. I know that they will miss their brother a lot, but I keep telling them that it's going to be OK, I promise! I'm truly blessed that my children have such a deep love for one another.

 OK.....if I actually write this down, I am committed.....deep breath.....OK here goes! I am writing a book! It's a goal I've had since the 6th grade, and I am going to do it. I am still in the brainstorming/research step of the writing process. I don't know how long it will take, or which direction I will end up going with it, but I am committed to seeing it through. Also, I want to state up front, that I will employ a really great editor/editors. My spelling and grammar are atrocious (this word was originally spelled wrong). But, don't worry, it will be OK. I have connections to some great spellers/writers, and  I have spell check on my computer. I hope that I can write something about my life experiences that will help someone else. But mostly, like this blog, I'm writing it for my children. I feel that my life experiences can be an example to them, good or bad, and help them to have a more joyful life.

There is a theme to this post and it has been my theme for the month of May and for the past few months. "Everything is going to be OK". I can hear the sweet words of President Hinkley every time I think it or write it down. I trust him. I know that when he spoke those words, they came directly from our Savior Jesus Christ. I believe that he is right. Everything is going to be OK.

Happy May/Mae Everyone!

Slow Down!!!!!

Lately I could swear that my life is moving at lightning speed! I am getting used to the fast paced schedule I have as a mom of two teenagers and a tween, and I love it! But, I find myself in a panic as I watch my kids grow up too fast.

I remember the days when I sat home alone with my babies watching the clock tick by so slowly, anxiously waiting for the time when Paul would be home to rescue me from the monotony. I remember counting the months off on the "babies firsts" calendar, anxious for baby Jake to reach his next milestone. I remember wishing for the day when McKenzie would sleep through the night. I remember marking the days off on the calendar for when Hannah wouldn't have to wear her "helmet" anymore. I remember thinking about how nice it would be when they were all three in school at the same time so I could have some time alone........ WHAT WAS I THINKING?!

Now I find myself laying awake at night feeling a little sick thinking about milestones. Jake will graduate in June. McKenzie will be a freshman next year, and in just a few months, my baby Hannah will be in junior high. I want to go back in time and yell at that girl to "stop wishing your life away and enjoy every moment!" but I can't. I can only tell myself to slow down and enjoy every moment from here on out.

I had listened to, and read about people with "perspective" warning the younger generation about how fast life passed by. But, true to form as a "young" mother I didn't believe them. I couldn't imagine it. Just as I couldn't see past next month when I was 17....I couldn't see past next year as a tired, stressed, worried, insecure young mother.

Now, don't be mistaken, I am not having regret. Remember, I don't do that anymore. I am just putting my new found perspective into action. So, one of my goals for 2012 is to remind myself every day to live in the now and enjoy each moment. Even the painful times have beautiful lessons to be learned and experiences to be had.

My promise to my children is this; Every day of my life I will strive to help you live in and enjoy the now. When you are having trouble seeing past next month, I will remind you about all of the wonderful experiences you have a head of you. When you are having trouble seeing past next year, I will be there to lift any burden I can, and remind you to enjoy the many blessings you already have.
Slow down and enjoy the now. For we are all truly blessed.