Beautiful Heartbreak - Hilary Weeks - Every Step

No Regrets

Make it a rule of life never to regret and never to look back.
- Katherine Mansfield

I'm making a list of rules to live by. I've narrowed it down to few good keepers, and this last year I added a new one. ~Live a life of no regrets.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about what good regret can do me. I like to make lists, mentally and on paper. It always helps me sort things out. When I made a list about the pro's and con's of regret, the con's column filled the length of the page. My pro's column howver, was blank. I couldn't come up with one good reason to justify having any regret.

Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of things in my life that I would have loved to have turned out a different way. I think we all have that list bumping around in our subconscious. But, as I looked down the list of "things I wish could have been different", I could't justify a reason to truly feel regret for any of them.

Because of my faith in my Savior and in my loving Hevanly Father, I am beginnig to truly understand that my experiences in this life are molding me into who I need to be. I am also starting to believe that it's ok to be imperfect. I can see that this process might take me a while, but I have faith that my Savior Jesus Christ has already made up the difference for all of my shorcomings, and throught that faith, I find peace.

Live a life of no regret. Do your best to be a true disciple of Jesus Christ and then let him make up the difference.

My dear friend sent me this Hillary Weeks video. It's a beautiful song, with a beautiful message. Love you Ang, thanks for being my friend.

Kindred Spirit

McKenzie just had her 14th B-day!!! It was a fun day. I can't believe she is growing up so fast.


What can I say about my girl. To use the words of Anne Shirley, McKenzie is a Kindred Spirit. I am sure that I loved her long before I held her in my arms for the first time. From the beginning, things have always been so sure and easy with my beautiful oldest daughter.

Early in my marriage (we had only been married 4 months) I had an incredible dream. I was holding a beautiful brown haired baby girl in the chapel of a church. I vividly remember the little brown curl atop of her tiny head. I held her to my cheek and breathed in the sweetness of her spirit. The feeling of holding her in my arms, seemed to be familiar to me. I felt so calm, so content, so much love. I woke up with my cheeks wet with tears, overwhelmed with the experience.

It was one of the most vivid dreams I'd ever had. I was sure that this baby had visited me in a dream to let me know it was time for her to come to our family. I shared my experience with Paul, and we decided to start our family right away. I became pregnant immediately, and was sure that this sweet little girl was on her way to me. But I was wrong. I had a heartbreaking second trimester miscarriage. I was devastated. I had never felt such a loss. It shook me to my core.

It took us almost a year to become pregnant again, and once again I was sure my little girl was on her way. However, my 5 month ultrasound clearly showed that this baby was a boy! I was thrilled, and prepared for my sweet baby Jake to come to our family. His birth was very difficult, and my life and future fertility was threatened by the experience. But I was SO in love with my little guy, and the desire never left me to have more children.

When Jake was 9 months old I became pregnant again. I miscarried again. Life was crazy at that time, and I felt so sad and discouraged. We continued to try for a baby, but it just wasn't happening. I started fertility treatment, but month after month, we were disappointed. I felt like giving up, I started to resign myself to the fact that Jake would be our only child. But that sweet little spirit would not relent. She poked and prodded at me, and so I continued on.

Sure enough, at the eleventh hour, when I knew I couldn't go on any longer, I found out we would have another baby. I knew she was a girl, I knew what her name would be, I knew for sure this baby was the little brown haired girl. We went for my 5 month ultrasound and.......they said I was having a boy. Everything in me said that they were wrong. I was ticked. Paul reassured me and reminded me that after all of our difficulties I should just be happy to be having another child.

I couldn't stop feeling angry and disappointed. I just didn't feel "right". I know that I had Paul pretty worried. He had his wisdom teeth out the next day, and so I was distracted by taking care of my sick hubby for a couple of days. But, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, (mostly because I wanted to puke every 5 minutes) and I couldn't feel "right" about this second baby boy.

I knew what I had to do. I called Fetal Foto at the mall and made an appointment to have another ultrasound. I drug poor Paul out of his sickbed, little Jacob in tow and headed out to make this right! I was so serious, and almost in tears when the tech started the ultrasound. She was looking at me like she was a little afraid. She placed the wand on my belly and immediately said "Oh! wow what a shot. Did they tell you before what you were having?" I was crushed, I knew what this meant, because it happened to me with Jake. He was displaying his boy parts proudly for the world to see, and his male-ness was obvious early on in the ultrasound. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I told her "yes, they said it was a boy".

"Oh no, this is definitely not a boy, you are having a girl! See?" I looked at the screen and the perfect "toilet shot" and saw proof positive that this was not a boy. I began to sob. The tech looked at Paul for help. He told her not to worry, that it was happy sobbing. I know that they both thought I was completely insane. I am not, nor have I ever been a drama queen, but I was SO sure about what I was feeling. I just needed it to be "right", and now it was.

My pregnancy was delightful. I even enjoyed every minute of the puking and exhaustion. Jake was so cute, and excited for his baby sister to come. I felt so calm, so content, so much love. Her birth was not without it's drama, but on October 22nd 1997 my beautiful McKenzie Katherine was placed in my arms for the first time. There she was, my beautiful brown haired girl with the curl on the top of her head. I held her up to my cheek and breathed in her sweetness. All was right with the world. And every day of my life since then I have felt of her kindred spirit. The calmness, the contentedness, the love that she breathes into my life is one of my greatest blessings.

Everyone loves McKenzie. She draws you in with her goodness, sweetness, and kindness. She is always the calming influence in every situation. She always chooses to do the right thing, and helps others (including me sometimes) to do the same. She is the model "middle child". She is the least demanding, and most giving of her siblings. She is our peacemaker. Although, Jake tells me that she can be "scary" if you really tick her off.

A couple of years ago when Jake got a cell phone and started texting he discovered that if you entered Kenzie's name into the predictive text mode, it always came up with the word Jemwif. Long story short, it stuck. She is now Jemwif, sometimes shortened to Jem or Jemmy. We are a crazy nick-name family, and hers suits her.

Kenzie is a 4.0 student. She has so much drive to do her best and succeed. She has mad discipline, self control, and organization skills (something she did not inherit from me). I look up to her in so many ways. She is nurturing and kind to everyone. I even catch her trying to mother me at times. I tell her to stop, even though I secretly love it.

She is so beautiful, on the inside and the outside, a shining example of a lovely daughter of God. I often feel that she is a much older, wiser spirit than I. She is a joy in my life, and in the life of so many others. I am honored to be her mother.

The future has so much in store for you my sweet McKenzie.
I Love you forever!

It's been a while

I stopped blogging for a bit, obviously. I think it was because I once again took something that should be simple and cathartic in my life, and turned it into stress and work. I worry so much about what I am writing and who will read it and that it's perfect, that I don't enjoy it at all. So, that is going to change.

Instead of giving up totally because I "failed" I am going to try something new. I'm going to give myself a break and carry on. After all, in the whole grand scheme of things, my year hiatus from my blog probably won't even be noticed by my children. And I do this for them.

I left off talking about my Jake. He still is such a joy and fun kid. I need to make an entry about my McKenzie, since she just had her 14th birthday. That will be my next entry with pics and all!

So, welcome back Kim, we've missed you. And once again....... almost perfect, but not quite!