Beautiful Heartbreak - Hilary Weeks - Every Step

No Regrets

Make it a rule of life never to regret and never to look back.
- Katherine Mansfield

I'm making a list of rules to live by. I've narrowed it down to few good keepers, and this last year I added a new one. ~Live a life of no regrets.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about what good regret can do me. I like to make lists, mentally and on paper. It always helps me sort things out. When I made a list about the pro's and con's of regret, the con's column filled the length of the page. My pro's column howver, was blank. I couldn't come up with one good reason to justify having any regret.

Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of things in my life that I would have loved to have turned out a different way. I think we all have that list bumping around in our subconscious. But, as I looked down the list of "things I wish could have been different", I could't justify a reason to truly feel regret for any of them.

Because of my faith in my Savior and in my loving Hevanly Father, I am beginnig to truly understand that my experiences in this life are molding me into who I need to be. I am also starting to believe that it's ok to be imperfect. I can see that this process might take me a while, but I have faith that my Savior Jesus Christ has already made up the difference for all of my shorcomings, and throught that faith, I find peace.

Live a life of no regret. Do your best to be a true disciple of Jesus Christ and then let him make up the difference.

My dear friend sent me this Hillary Weeks video. It's a beautiful song, with a beautiful message. Love you Ang, thanks for being my friend.

Kindred Spirit

McKenzie just had her 14th B-day!!! It was a fun day. I can't believe she is growing up so fast.


What can I say about my girl. To use the words of Anne Shirley, McKenzie is a Kindred Spirit. I am sure that I loved her long before I held her in my arms for the first time. From the beginning, things have always been so sure and easy with my beautiful oldest daughter.

Early in my marriage (we had only been married 4 months) I had an incredible dream. I was holding a beautiful brown haired baby girl in the chapel of a church. I vividly remember the little brown curl atop of her tiny head. I held her to my cheek and breathed in the sweetness of her spirit. The feeling of holding her in my arms, seemed to be familiar to me. I felt so calm, so content, so much love. I woke up with my cheeks wet with tears, overwhelmed with the experience.

It was one of the most vivid dreams I'd ever had. I was sure that this baby had visited me in a dream to let me know it was time for her to come to our family. I shared my experience with Paul, and we decided to start our family right away. I became pregnant immediately, and was sure that this sweet little girl was on her way to me. But I was wrong. I had a heartbreaking second trimester miscarriage. I was devastated. I had never felt such a loss. It shook me to my core.

It took us almost a year to become pregnant again, and once again I was sure my little girl was on her way. However, my 5 month ultrasound clearly showed that this baby was a boy! I was thrilled, and prepared for my sweet baby Jake to come to our family. His birth was very difficult, and my life and future fertility was threatened by the experience. But I was SO in love with my little guy, and the desire never left me to have more children.

When Jake was 9 months old I became pregnant again. I miscarried again. Life was crazy at that time, and I felt so sad and discouraged. We continued to try for a baby, but it just wasn't happening. I started fertility treatment, but month after month, we were disappointed. I felt like giving up, I started to resign myself to the fact that Jake would be our only child. But that sweet little spirit would not relent. She poked and prodded at me, and so I continued on.

Sure enough, at the eleventh hour, when I knew I couldn't go on any longer, I found out we would have another baby. I knew she was a girl, I knew what her name would be, I knew for sure this baby was the little brown haired girl. We went for my 5 month ultrasound and.......they said I was having a boy. Everything in me said that they were wrong. I was ticked. Paul reassured me and reminded me that after all of our difficulties I should just be happy to be having another child.

I couldn't stop feeling angry and disappointed. I just didn't feel "right". I know that I had Paul pretty worried. He had his wisdom teeth out the next day, and so I was distracted by taking care of my sick hubby for a couple of days. But, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, (mostly because I wanted to puke every 5 minutes) and I couldn't feel "right" about this second baby boy.

I knew what I had to do. I called Fetal Foto at the mall and made an appointment to have another ultrasound. I drug poor Paul out of his sickbed, little Jacob in tow and headed out to make this right! I was so serious, and almost in tears when the tech started the ultrasound. She was looking at me like she was a little afraid. She placed the wand on my belly and immediately said "Oh! wow what a shot. Did they tell you before what you were having?" I was crushed, I knew what this meant, because it happened to me with Jake. He was displaying his boy parts proudly for the world to see, and his male-ness was obvious early on in the ultrasound. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I told her "yes, they said it was a boy".

"Oh no, this is definitely not a boy, you are having a girl! See?" I looked at the screen and the perfect "toilet shot" and saw proof positive that this was not a boy. I began to sob. The tech looked at Paul for help. He told her not to worry, that it was happy sobbing. I know that they both thought I was completely insane. I am not, nor have I ever been a drama queen, but I was SO sure about what I was feeling. I just needed it to be "right", and now it was.

My pregnancy was delightful. I even enjoyed every minute of the puking and exhaustion. Jake was so cute, and excited for his baby sister to come. I felt so calm, so content, so much love. Her birth was not without it's drama, but on October 22nd 1997 my beautiful McKenzie Katherine was placed in my arms for the first time. There she was, my beautiful brown haired girl with the curl on the top of her head. I held her up to my cheek and breathed in her sweetness. All was right with the world. And every day of my life since then I have felt of her kindred spirit. The calmness, the contentedness, the love that she breathes into my life is one of my greatest blessings.

Everyone loves McKenzie. She draws you in with her goodness, sweetness, and kindness. She is always the calming influence in every situation. She always chooses to do the right thing, and helps others (including me sometimes) to do the same. She is the model "middle child". She is the least demanding, and most giving of her siblings. She is our peacemaker. Although, Jake tells me that she can be "scary" if you really tick her off.

A couple of years ago when Jake got a cell phone and started texting he discovered that if you entered Kenzie's name into the predictive text mode, it always came up with the word Jemwif. Long story short, it stuck. She is now Jemwif, sometimes shortened to Jem or Jemmy. We are a crazy nick-name family, and hers suits her.

Kenzie is a 4.0 student. She has so much drive to do her best and succeed. She has mad discipline, self control, and organization skills (something she did not inherit from me). I look up to her in so many ways. She is nurturing and kind to everyone. I even catch her trying to mother me at times. I tell her to stop, even though I secretly love it.

She is so beautiful, on the inside and the outside, a shining example of a lovely daughter of God. I often feel that she is a much older, wiser spirit than I. She is a joy in my life, and in the life of so many others. I am honored to be her mother.

The future has so much in store for you my sweet McKenzie.
I Love you forever!

It's been a while

I stopped blogging for a bit, obviously. I think it was because I once again took something that should be simple and cathartic in my life, and turned it into stress and work. I worry so much about what I am writing and who will read it and that it's perfect, that I don't enjoy it at all. So, that is going to change.

Instead of giving up totally because I "failed" I am going to try something new. I'm going to give myself a break and carry on. After all, in the whole grand scheme of things, my year hiatus from my blog probably won't even be noticed by my children. And I do this for them.

I left off talking about my Jake. He still is such a joy and fun kid. I need to make an entry about my McKenzie, since she just had her 14th birthday. That will be my next entry with pics and all!

So, welcome back Kim, we've missed you. And once again....... almost perfect, but not quite!

Wear it proud!

My amazing, smart, talented, athletic, funny, favorite son ran the Ogden Marathon on Saturday. He was on a relay team with some other great kids from our neighborhood. Their relay team was named the PURPLE NINJA PENGUINS. They had homemade PNP team t-shirts way funny! I hope that it was a really memorable experience for him, and I think it has inspired him to take up running on a more serious level.

Jake is an awesome athlete, and I am always impressed with his drive and abilities. He ran it in a little over 39 minutes. That is a 6.5 minute mile. Totally Awesome! His leg of the relay was 6.1 miles long, most of which was uphill. He came across his finish line with a look of determination and then a huge smile.

After he had rested for a minute we drove him down the canyon to the finish line where he ran back about 2 miles along the last leg to run with his teammate and cheer her on. What a kid! He is probably going to grow up to be a motivational speaker. He just has this way of encouraging others to be the best they can be. I am so proud of him.

Jake also received his Boy Scout Denali Award Last week. The Denali is a fairly new award given to a Varsity scout. It is basically the next rank advancement available after the Eagle Scout. He has worked hard and stayed active in scouts. Jake strives for excellence in all that he does.

He loves getting medals and awards. We teased him this winter because every time he won a wrestling tournament he would wear his medal around his neck under his shirts for days. So, on Sunday when he was getting ready to leave for a youth activity he had on his marathon shirt and his medal underneath. Kenzie and I teased him about it, and then McKenzie said. "Dude... don't hide it under your shirt, if you are gonna wear that thing WEAR IT PROUD!"

I think that says it all. Congrats Bud!

For the love of Mae (MAY)

Here we are, it's May again. What is it about this month? The weather is trying to behave, some flowers are in bloom and there are even tender veggie garden seedlings who venture to peek their heads out from the soil and see what May has to offer them.

There is Cinco De Mayo, National Cheeseburger month, Teacher appreciation, Nurses day, Mothers Day and Memorial Day. What is it about this month that inspires so many to show their love and appreciation. I'll have to admit, I use to be a lover of May myself. It's my birthday month. I always knew that school was about to be over, and my Birthday Bash (May 30th the original Memorial Day) would start off the Summer festivities.

May always seemed to bring with it the promise of the magical warmth of summer days spent eating Popsicles and running through the sprinklers, trips to my Nanaw's house in Virginia, and late night summer adventures in the warm night air.

But over the years, time and experience has chipped away at the hope and joy I used to feel about this time of year. I have learned to fear and dread May. I set a goal this year, as I do every year, for it to be better than the last. I have been concentrating on being more positive and taking a deep breath and just let it happen to me. Hoping that if I cut out the self-imposed fear and dread, it will make it more bearable.

Fittingly, I'm sure as a reward for my efforts, I have been struck down with illness that has kept me flat in bed for the last two weeks ;) And so, the first week of this lovely month has been filled with expensive doctors visits, cancelled and missed appointments and obligations, 6 prescriptions, coughing, hacking, (with the accompanying bladder incontinence) fevers, chills, aches and pains, snot, sleepless nights, and sleepless days home alone filled with the worries and thoughts of all that is wrong in my life.

Now it's Mother's day, and as I laid in bed missing church and my obligations there, I flipped through the TV channels and landed on an infomercial on Operation Smile. The people who run operation smile are an amazing group of human beings who donate their time and talents and much of their own money to travel to the poorest parts of the world and repair children who suffer from the devastation of cleft lip and cleft pallet. The program lasted exactly 45 minutes, and I bawled for exactly 1 hour. I don't know what it was, but I COULD NOT turn the channel.

Great! Just what I needed on this the guiltiest day of all guilt for Mothers, more guilt! How could I sit here and feel sorry for myself? How could I not feel grateful for all that I have? And why would I purposely watch something on TV that would make me feel this way today of all days? I must have a compulsion for guilt!

I was looking SO forward to missing the horrific mothers day talks at church that always make you come away feeling so thoroughly guilty, inadequate, annoyed, and bad about yourself. I just knew this Mother's day would be better because I was skipping all of that his year and because I had pledged to make it so!

So, feeling like a failure, I laid in bed, and listened to the harsh whispers of my children fighting incognito, because it is mothers day after all (bless them) and feeling the horrible resignation that this day every year will always suck. Then I got a phone call from my dear friend, who I can always count on to call at just the right time.

We commiserated together, because that always makes things better. We laughed and poked some fun at ourselves and others, because that always makes things better. And we were both reminded that we really are doing a great job as women, daughters, sisters, friends, and mothers. I love you Kimmie, thanks.

And so here I sit musing. Embracing this blogging thing has been a bit hard for me. I have always been so private and kept myself truly walled off from others. I really never dare speak about my thoughts and feelings, much less write them, but I want things to be better and different for my children. If keeping this record only does that one thing for them, it will have been worth it. Surprisingly though, I am finding that it is doing much more than that. It really helps me to read my own thoughts. It is helping me to learn to love and accept who I am. It is helping me to see my worth.

11 years ago on May 20th my Ashley Mae was born. What an honor it is to be her mother! What a sacred blessing it was to bring her into this world, be touched by her amazing spirit and strength, and hold her in my arms until it was time for her to go back in lovely perfection to her Heavenly Father.

You are named after to wonderful great grandmothers Phillis May and Mae Betts. I know that it isn't a coincidence that you were born in the month of May, and that you are the namesake of two of the kindest, wisest, most amazing women that I have known. I know that you are with them now, loving each other and watching over all of us.

And so for you my precious girl, I am pledging with a renewed confidence that I will learn to love May again. Because I love you and because I love your brother and sisters. I will learn to celebrate your life. I will learn to push away the fear of the memories and hurt and replace them with knowledge, hope, and Faith. I know I will get better at it every year, because I really do feel blessed to know you, and I am proud to be your mother!

Again, my heart is drawn back to the place where it has always lived. Even before they were born, I knew and loved my children somewhere deep inside my soul. And they will be the reason that I will find within myself again the love for the month of May. So I will put on a smile and go out and open my presents and enjoy the partially burned meal that has been lovingly prepared for me with minimal fighting and shouting and enjoy this Mother's day DANG IT! I can do it! I have the power to do it! I will learn to love May again.

What's in a name?

Dear Hannah Banana, Hammy, Hammersly, Hamster, Hammers, Ham, Hannahoke, Hanney, Lizbeth, Bug, Peanut, Princess, Baby Girl, Preemie,

Why do you have so many nick names? I think it's because you are so freaking cute, and people love you so much, that they cannot stop making up pet names for you! If you are wondering why yourself, just know that it's a good thing.

My Hannah's birthday was March 13th. What a fun day we had! It was ugly and blustery outside, just like on the day she was born. But, It could not have been a happier day. We were able to spend the whole day together as a family.

What can I say about my Hannah. Every time I try and express my feelings for her, I start to cry. This is a tender time of year for me, and I am always reminded of how truly blessed I am to have my little blond girl. I have not yet, and hope to never take for granted one day that I have with Hannah. She is my miracle girl.

Hannah is happy ALL OF THE TIME. I've never known anyone, ever, who loves life as much as she does. Her eyes sparkle and her smile melts hearts and lights up a room. Her giggle will make you stop and laugh, and it's impossible to be in a bad mood after you've heard it. I love to sit in the next room and listen to her giggle at the TV. It just has this way of making me feel like all is right with the world.

She is my little nature girl. She always notices the beauty around her. She loves getting her hands dirty with mud pies, and walking barefoot in the dirt. She stops to smell and pick the flowers, and makes friends with all the bugs and butterflies. She is kind and gentle and loving.

She is a fiercely loyal friend and sister. She loves those in her life deeply. She always says I love you! Her hugs and kisses will make your day and can magically calm any nerves. She is such a grateful child. She always seems to be honestly happy with her circumstances and surroundings. She is quick to say "thank you" and is generous with her compliments. OH SHE IS SWEET!!

I have watched her grow, and grow and grow! She is now at least 1 head taller than every other kid in her class. This is a far cry from the 2 & 1/2 pound preemie that I worried would never make it out of the hospital. She has brought me more joy than I EVER knew I could feel. I would hate to even imagine what my life would be like without her!

I am SO PROUD OF YOU Hannah! I can't believe that you are 9 years old. You bring us all so much happiness and joy. Never stop loving life! I hope that you know how much your friends and family love you. I hope you know how much I love you! Happy Birthday Hannah Elizabeth