May/Mae is going to be OK

It's been a while since my last post. I have been trying hard to follow my own advice and slow down and enjoy the ride. I have indeed. We are two weeks away from graduation and my 40th birthday. I can't believe it! I am feeling better than ever, (thanks to Dr. Johnson and his total health approach), and I can honestly say I have some hope that I will feel good again! I am going to be OK. I just goes to show, once again, that something you've viewed as a catastrophe can end up being the biggest blessing. I'll share some other thoughts (my story) on this in another post.

I had a WONDERFUL Mother's Day!!! Weird I know. I think the key this year was allowing myself to feel worthy of love and appreciation. I had to give myself a "talking to" a few times during the week, but it paid off. I was OK. It was a lovely day. I have an amazing husband, who went out of his way to help me feel loved and appreciated, and amazing children who gave me the best gift I could ever want. They all made handmade gifts for me that incorporated their feelings of love and appreciation for me. I love them so much! I am blessed.

This month has been OK as far as grief and depression go. I think I might even dare say that I am close to being healthy and well adjusted (most of the time). Paul is out of town this week, and I am crazy busy, so I think that is helping me keep my mind off negative things. Ashley Mae's birthday is on Sunday, and for the first time I don't have that horrible feeling of fear and dread. I am a little sad, and I think I might cry on her birthday, (something I have never done since she the day she was born) but it will be OK. It will be good.

I am dreading turning 40 for some reason. I don't know why. Something to do I guess. I have to be neurotic about something. Nothing I can do about it, so bring it on. It was always funny when it was someone Else's 40th birthday.....not so funny now. Im sure it will be OK. There is a bright spot, I got a new puppy for my birthday! Maximus is a teacup Yorkie and he is super cute!! We call him Babydog mostly, but Max was a good "M" name to match the girl dogs. (Meeko and Maggie) He is 14 weeks old and currently about 2&1/2 pounds.

Jake is planning on going away to College in the Fall. He is going to Snow College. It's funny, because Paul and I met and fell in love at Snow just over 20 years ago. We have taken yearly family trips to Sanpete County for most of the Kid's lives, and we have always teased Jake that he HAD TO go to college at Snow. And, he always said NO WAY. Imagine my surprise when he came home one day and announced that he'd decided to go to Snow. I'm pretty sure that there was girl influence involved, but I guess that's OK. I have mixed emotions about it, but I hope he has the time of his life. It was for me. I've had to give myself a lot of "talking to's" about this situation as well. But, I'm starting to feel like it will be OK. I love you Jake, So much.

My girls growing up too. They both are smart, kind, beautiful and fun! Hannah will be going into Jr High next year (6th grade) and McKenzie will be a freshman. I am so blessed to have wonderful, loving daughters! We have a lot of fun times ahead of us. I know that they will miss their brother a lot, but I keep telling them that it's going to be OK, I promise! I'm truly blessed that my children have such a deep love for one another.

 OK.....if I actually write this down, I am committed.....deep breath.....OK here goes! I am writing a book! It's a goal I've had since the 6th grade, and I am going to do it. I am still in the brainstorming/research step of the writing process. I don't know how long it will take, or which direction I will end up going with it, but I am committed to seeing it through. Also, I want to state up front, that I will employ a really great editor/editors. My spelling and grammar are atrocious (this word was originally spelled wrong). But, don't worry, it will be OK. I have connections to some great spellers/writers, and  I have spell check on my computer. I hope that I can write something about my life experiences that will help someone else. But mostly, like this blog, I'm writing it for my children. I feel that my life experiences can be an example to them, good or bad, and help them to have a more joyful life.

There is a theme to this post and it has been my theme for the month of May and for the past few months. "Everything is going to be OK". I can hear the sweet words of President Hinkley every time I think it or write it down. I trust him. I know that when he spoke those words, they came directly from our Savior Jesus Christ. I believe that he is right. Everything is going to be OK.

Happy May/Mae Everyone!

Slow Down!!!!!

Lately I could swear that my life is moving at lightning speed! I am getting used to the fast paced schedule I have as a mom of two teenagers and a tween, and I love it! But, I find myself in a panic as I watch my kids grow up too fast.

I remember the days when I sat home alone with my babies watching the clock tick by so slowly, anxiously waiting for the time when Paul would be home to rescue me from the monotony. I remember counting the months off on the "babies firsts" calendar, anxious for baby Jake to reach his next milestone. I remember wishing for the day when McKenzie would sleep through the night. I remember marking the days off on the calendar for when Hannah wouldn't have to wear her "helmet" anymore. I remember thinking about how nice it would be when they were all three in school at the same time so I could have some time alone........ WHAT WAS I THINKING?!

Now I find myself laying awake at night feeling a little sick thinking about milestones. Jake will graduate in June. McKenzie will be a freshman next year, and in just a few months, my baby Hannah will be in junior high. I want to go back in time and yell at that girl to "stop wishing your life away and enjoy every moment!" but I can't. I can only tell myself to slow down and enjoy every moment from here on out.

I had listened to, and read about people with "perspective" warning the younger generation about how fast life passed by. But, true to form as a "young" mother I didn't believe them. I couldn't imagine it. Just as I couldn't see past next month when I was 17....I couldn't see past next year as a tired, stressed, worried, insecure young mother.

Now, don't be mistaken, I am not having regret. Remember, I don't do that anymore. I am just putting my new found perspective into action. So, one of my goals for 2012 is to remind myself every day to live in the now and enjoy each moment. Even the painful times have beautiful lessons to be learned and experiences to be had.

My promise to my children is this; Every day of my life I will strive to help you live in and enjoy the now. When you are having trouble seeing past next month, I will remind you about all of the wonderful experiences you have a head of you. When you are having trouble seeing past next year, I will be there to lift any burden I can, and remind you to enjoy the many blessings you already have.
Slow down and enjoy the now. For we are all truly blessed.

Beautiful Heartbreak - Hilary Weeks - Every Step

No Regrets

Make it a rule of life never to regret and never to look back.
- Katherine Mansfield

I'm making a list of rules to live by. I've narrowed it down to few good keepers, and this last year I added a new one. ~Live a life of no regrets.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about what good regret can do me. I like to make lists, mentally and on paper. It always helps me sort things out. When I made a list about the pro's and con's of regret, the con's column filled the length of the page. My pro's column howver, was blank. I couldn't come up with one good reason to justify having any regret.

Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of things in my life that I would have loved to have turned out a different way. I think we all have that list bumping around in our subconscious. But, as I looked down the list of "things I wish could have been different", I could't justify a reason to truly feel regret for any of them.

Because of my faith in my Savior and in my loving Hevanly Father, I am beginnig to truly understand that my experiences in this life are molding me into who I need to be. I am also starting to believe that it's ok to be imperfect. I can see that this process might take me a while, but I have faith that my Savior Jesus Christ has already made up the difference for all of my shorcomings, and throught that faith, I find peace.

Live a life of no regret. Do your best to be a true disciple of Jesus Christ and then let him make up the difference.

My dear friend sent me this Hillary Weeks video. It's a beautiful song, with a beautiful message. Love you Ang, thanks for being my friend.

Kindred Spirit

McKenzie just had her 14th B-day!!! It was a fun day. I can't believe she is growing up so fast.


What can I say about my girl. To use the words of Anne Shirley, McKenzie is a Kindred Spirit. I am sure that I loved her long before I held her in my arms for the first time. From the beginning, things have always been so sure and easy with my beautiful oldest daughter.

Early in my marriage (we had only been married 4 months) I had an incredible dream. I was holding a beautiful brown haired baby girl in the chapel of a church. I vividly remember the little brown curl atop of her tiny head. I held her to my cheek and breathed in the sweetness of her spirit. The feeling of holding her in my arms, seemed to be familiar to me. I felt so calm, so content, so much love. I woke up with my cheeks wet with tears, overwhelmed with the experience.

It was one of the most vivid dreams I'd ever had. I was sure that this baby had visited me in a dream to let me know it was time for her to come to our family. I shared my experience with Paul, and we decided to start our family right away. I became pregnant immediately, and was sure that this sweet little girl was on her way to me. But I was wrong. I had a heartbreaking second trimester miscarriage. I was devastated. I had never felt such a loss. It shook me to my core.

It took us almost a year to become pregnant again, and once again I was sure my little girl was on her way. However, my 5 month ultrasound clearly showed that this baby was a boy! I was thrilled, and prepared for my sweet baby Jake to come to our family. His birth was very difficult, and my life and future fertility was threatened by the experience. But I was SO in love with my little guy, and the desire never left me to have more children.

When Jake was 9 months old I became pregnant again. I miscarried again. Life was crazy at that time, and I felt so sad and discouraged. We continued to try for a baby, but it just wasn't happening. I started fertility treatment, but month after month, we were disappointed. I felt like giving up, I started to resign myself to the fact that Jake would be our only child. But that sweet little spirit would not relent. She poked and prodded at me, and so I continued on.

Sure enough, at the eleventh hour, when I knew I couldn't go on any longer, I found out we would have another baby. I knew she was a girl, I knew what her name would be, I knew for sure this baby was the little brown haired girl. We went for my 5 month ultrasound and.......they said I was having a boy. Everything in me said that they were wrong. I was ticked. Paul reassured me and reminded me that after all of our difficulties I should just be happy to be having another child.

I couldn't stop feeling angry and disappointed. I just didn't feel "right". I know that I had Paul pretty worried. He had his wisdom teeth out the next day, and so I was distracted by taking care of my sick hubby for a couple of days. But, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, (mostly because I wanted to puke every 5 minutes) and I couldn't feel "right" about this second baby boy.

I knew what I had to do. I called Fetal Foto at the mall and made an appointment to have another ultrasound. I drug poor Paul out of his sickbed, little Jacob in tow and headed out to make this right! I was so serious, and almost in tears when the tech started the ultrasound. She was looking at me like she was a little afraid. She placed the wand on my belly and immediately said "Oh! wow what a shot. Did they tell you before what you were having?" I was crushed, I knew what this meant, because it happened to me with Jake. He was displaying his boy parts proudly for the world to see, and his male-ness was obvious early on in the ultrasound. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I told her "yes, they said it was a boy".

"Oh no, this is definitely not a boy, you are having a girl! See?" I looked at the screen and the perfect "toilet shot" and saw proof positive that this was not a boy. I began to sob. The tech looked at Paul for help. He told her not to worry, that it was happy sobbing. I know that they both thought I was completely insane. I am not, nor have I ever been a drama queen, but I was SO sure about what I was feeling. I just needed it to be "right", and now it was.

My pregnancy was delightful. I even enjoyed every minute of the puking and exhaustion. Jake was so cute, and excited for his baby sister to come. I felt so calm, so content, so much love. Her birth was not without it's drama, but on October 22nd 1997 my beautiful McKenzie Katherine was placed in my arms for the first time. There she was, my beautiful brown haired girl with the curl on the top of her head. I held her up to my cheek and breathed in her sweetness. All was right with the world. And every day of my life since then I have felt of her kindred spirit. The calmness, the contentedness, the love that she breathes into my life is one of my greatest blessings.

Everyone loves McKenzie. She draws you in with her goodness, sweetness, and kindness. She is always the calming influence in every situation. She always chooses to do the right thing, and helps others (including me sometimes) to do the same. She is the model "middle child". She is the least demanding, and most giving of her siblings. She is our peacemaker. Although, Jake tells me that she can be "scary" if you really tick her off.

A couple of years ago when Jake got a cell phone and started texting he discovered that if you entered Kenzie's name into the predictive text mode, it always came up with the word Jemwif. Long story short, it stuck. She is now Jemwif, sometimes shortened to Jem or Jemmy. We are a crazy nick-name family, and hers suits her.

Kenzie is a 4.0 student. She has so much drive to do her best and succeed. She has mad discipline, self control, and organization skills (something she did not inherit from me). I look up to her in so many ways. She is nurturing and kind to everyone. I even catch her trying to mother me at times. I tell her to stop, even though I secretly love it.

She is so beautiful, on the inside and the outside, a shining example of a lovely daughter of God. I often feel that she is a much older, wiser spirit than I. She is a joy in my life, and in the life of so many others. I am honored to be her mother.

The future has so much in store for you my sweet McKenzie.
I Love you forever!

It's been a while

I stopped blogging for a bit, obviously. I think it was because I once again took something that should be simple and cathartic in my life, and turned it into stress and work. I worry so much about what I am writing and who will read it and that it's perfect, that I don't enjoy it at all. So, that is going to change.

Instead of giving up totally because I "failed" I am going to try something new. I'm going to give myself a break and carry on. After all, in the whole grand scheme of things, my year hiatus from my blog probably won't even be noticed by my children. And I do this for them.

I left off talking about my Jake. He still is such a joy and fun kid. I need to make an entry about my McKenzie, since she just had her 14th birthday. That will be my next entry with pics and all!

So, welcome back Kim, we've missed you. And once again....... almost perfect, but not quite!

Wear it proud!

My amazing, smart, talented, athletic, funny, favorite son ran the Ogden Marathon on Saturday. He was on a relay team with some other great kids from our neighborhood. Their relay team was named the PURPLE NINJA PENGUINS. They had homemade PNP team t-shirts way funny! I hope that it was a really memorable experience for him, and I think it has inspired him to take up running on a more serious level.

Jake is an awesome athlete, and I am always impressed with his drive and abilities. He ran it in a little over 39 minutes. That is a 6.5 minute mile. Totally Awesome! His leg of the relay was 6.1 miles long, most of which was uphill. He came across his finish line with a look of determination and then a huge smile.

After he had rested for a minute we drove him down the canyon to the finish line where he ran back about 2 miles along the last leg to run with his teammate and cheer her on. What a kid! He is probably going to grow up to be a motivational speaker. He just has this way of encouraging others to be the best they can be. I am so proud of him.

Jake also received his Boy Scout Denali Award Last week. The Denali is a fairly new award given to a Varsity scout. It is basically the next rank advancement available after the Eagle Scout. He has worked hard and stayed active in scouts. Jake strives for excellence in all that he does.

He loves getting medals and awards. We teased him this winter because every time he won a wrestling tournament he would wear his medal around his neck under his shirts for days. So, on Sunday when he was getting ready to leave for a youth activity he had on his marathon shirt and his medal underneath. Kenzie and I teased him about it, and then McKenzie said. "Dude... don't hide it under your shirt, if you are gonna wear that thing WEAR IT PROUD!"

I think that says it all. Congrats Bud!